By Tracy K. Lorenz
January 14, 2014
I’m quite often accused of writing negative comments about women and their general appearance, most (all) of these complaints came from, not surprisingly, women. So here you go ladies, a column about men written by the most heterosexual guy you’ll ever meet.
One of the big differences between men and women is when women look in the mirror they tend to focus on the negative, a woman could be an absolute goddess but she will invariably see a toad looking back at her. She’ll notice her one hair out of place or a misplaced dimple and her day is ruined. Guys on the other hand always think they look goooood, guys will suck in their gut, do a little flex, and look around for a stick to fend off the supermodels. A guy can look like a squid eating a mayonnaise sandwich but in his eyes Brad Pitt is nothing but a whipped poser.
Speaking of sucking in your gut, that subject came up a lot when talking to women. Surprisingly few find it attractive and even fewer fell for the ruse. “Guts” were put into three very distinct categories:
The Beach Ball: Round and abnormally solid, the beach ball gut seems to grow faster than the skin can keep up, it seems time lapse photos would look almost like Jiffy Pop. Guys who sport the “Beach Ball” tend to come back with incredibly unoriginal retorts involving “tools” and “kegs” when their stomach is mentioned. These men also tend to have disproportionately skinny legs giving them the appearance of a caramel apple.
The Pear: These poor guys always look like they're melting, they have a daily fight with gravity that they will never win. Their stomach doesn’t just face forwards, it sort of envelops them like the fur on Santa’s hat. On the plus side “Pears” tend to be good dancers and can hit golf balls really far, neither of which will help them get a date.
The Beach Walker: Not to be confused with The Beach Ball, the Beach Walker sucks his gut in like he’s running from a chemical spill. What he doesn’t realize is NO ONE is faked out, especially when he lies down, releases his breath, and looks for all the world like an octopus lying on a towel.
But men will go to great lengths to disguise these physical anomalies if need be, according to the women talked to the worst ploy is wearing a giant, thigh length, Sports Jersey. Believe it or not women aren't all that attracted to what appears to be a Red-Wing-Sponsored fumigation tent. Remember in old movies where they’d show a guy with his head sticking out of one of those sweat boxes? You look a little like that.
Another look that women didn’t seem overly drawn to is the newly developed “Duck Dynasty” couture. Here’s the deal, see those raggedy looking Robertson boys in their unkempt beards and camo pants? See how they have hot wives? That’s because…THEY’RE MILLIONAIRES! You, sadly, are not.
Then of course we have the men who wear clothes loyal to a particular brand or product and somehow try to assume a personality based on a motorcycle manufactured in Mexico but “assembled” in Milwaukee or a car brand known as a “Bow-Tie” even though the actual Chevrolet emblem is the exact opposite of a bow tie.
These guys also tend to call their outfits “Gear” because if they paid those inflated prices to advertise a product they aren’t being compensated for and called them “clothes” they’d look a bit feeble minded.
Same goes for the Wal-Mart Wolverines.
But what kills me is when I hear guys comment after women walk by and are out of earshot. Invariably a discussion will start over if the guy would (ahem) “date” the woman. I always want to inject that the argument is moot because not only wouldn’t the woman “date” you, she’d probably mace you faster than Quick Draw McGraw. As near as I can tell all guys think they are attractive to all women all the time.
And that, in a nutshell, is the true beauty of men. We are myopic beasts and ever the optimists. A guy can look in a mirror and see an Adonis where a balding sea-goat actually stands. Hair a little thin? Comb it over! Didn’t take a shower? Wear a hat! It’s like we’re David Blain only NO ONE is fooled by the tricks. There are no stores called “Tim’s Secret,” we don’t wear “Spanx,” and our shoes offer comfort in lieu of style and do you know why? Because we are dreamers, we can look at a rusty car and see its former glory. We know the next great play is just around the corner, the next Hail Mary is floating our way. We've spent years convincing ourselves that we were once great athletes so convincing ourselves we look good is a snap. So if that hot chick who is hopelessly out of our league doesn’t give us a second look that’s her loss not ours because we’re men and our lack of style is just a bitter…reflection.